I live this day. Soon it is over. It is over now. And then, what?
Use up the next day in activities, activities that do not gain me hardly anything, spent simply to gain me entertainment for the moment. These things do not last for me. They only morph into one memory, into one single deed, or single thought of a deed. That, is why I am this way. That, is why I wander this house. I am thinking of the next day. The next day full of activities such as the ones I fill this present day with. What I would like is to value a day for what it has taught me. If the nature of humans were determination than this world would be fairly easy. Since this is sadly and disappointedly not the case: I am stuck. Stranded.
I am forced to live the whole of my life in one single day: One solitary day.
If every day goes by having only entertained and not at least increased myself in some way...then what is the purpose in it? None at all. This is what maddens and distresses me so. Since I do lack (very much) the will power to add to myself by indulging in activities that expand my capacity to do things, what is there to do? How can I apprehend the will to do it? This is what upsets me. I hate the things I do; I despise myself for wasting a day of my life not having learned anything. But I find so many reasons not to do that thing which I know I must. -To learn. I want to learn. I yearn for knowledge. -But only the sort where visible progress is seen. How can I turn that into an incentive? I wish that this could be helped, and helped quickly. For each day that goes by takes with it what I could have known and learned.
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